May 2016

"My wife, while working at Goldman Sachs, helped raise people out of poverty! Just as long as their initial investment portfolio was at least 40 million dollars."

TC - Houston, TX

  April 2015

"I wouldn't vote for Senator Ted Cruz to become president even if he was running against Jared from Subway!"

JB - Reading, OH


  March 2016

"With Marco Rubio and Jeb Bush gone from the presidential race, the only establishment candidate left is Hillary Clinton!"

BD - New York, NY

  February 2016

"It's been reported that Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks gets migraines. Can we really blame him?"

PJ - New York, NY


  January 2016

"Who would've thought that my husband's numerous, blatant infidelities would eventually hurt my campaign?"

Anonymous - Chappaqua, NY

  December 2015


Tiny T - Queens, NY


  November 2015

"Paul Ryan is giving up his ambitions to be president? I'm surprised he even had ambitions in the first place!"

Mitt - Detroit, MI

  October 2015

"I've got a pimple on my ass and it's name is Donald Trump!"

JB - Midland, TX


  September 2015

"My husband gave me Bill Cosby tickets for my birthday! Even worse, they were accompanied by a back stage pass!"

Anonymous - New York, NY

  August 2015

"Finally, we're hearing from the other GOP presidential hopefuls. Of course, they're all talking about Trump!"

DT - Atlantic City, NJ


  July 2015

"I'm pretty sure that my camp counselor gave me the clap!"

Anonymous - Brooklyn, NY

  June 2015

"No one has bigger balls than FIFA President, Sepp Blatter! I know because I used to be his high school wrestling coach!"

DH - Aurora, IL


  May 2015

"I have no problem with Bruce Jenner being transgender; although, I did lose some respect for him when he declared he's also a republican!"

KJ - Los Angeles, CA

  April 2015

"Sure I'm excited for the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao what I would've said ten years ago when both fighters were in their prime!"

WT - Atlantic City, NJ


  March 2015

"The Oscar for creepiest person alive goes to John Travolta!"

KP - Honolulu, HI

  February 2015

"When people ask me why I dress like a clown, I lie and tell them it's because all my other laundry is dirty."

Anonymous - New York, NY


  January 2015

"So what if my new girlfriend's feet are bigger than mine! I'm only a size 12 anyway!"

LG - New York, NY

  December 2014

"The 'new look' New York Knicks look a lot like the 'old look' New York Knicks!"

PJ - New York, NY


  November 2014

"Oscar Pistorius recently achieved his first World Record; shortest prison sentence for killing an unarmed woman!"

BD - Brooklyn, NY

  October 2014

"DaVinci Code would be one of my all-time favorite movies if it wasn't for Tom Hanks' haircut!"

TJH - Concord, CA


  September 2014

"Investing requires a lot of money and patience; unfortunately, I have little of both!"

CM - Queens, NY

  August 2014

"Sometimes, I feel like DiCaprio in the movie Titanic! You know, trapped on a sinking ship!"

VB - Staten Island, NY


  July 2014

"Maybe the US Soccer Team should've brought Landon Donovan to the World Cup after all? What? I'm just saying!"

LD - Ontario, CA

  June 2014

"I hate armpits even more than feet!"

Jimmy J - New York, NY


  May 2014

"I've become a man of principle. But only when it's convenient for me!"

Anonymous - Washington, DC

  April 2014

"Dear IRS: I'm poor and I have the documentation to prove it!"

LC - New York, NY


  March 2014

"Are we really shocked by Governor Chris Christie's behavior?"

Anonymous - Fort Lee, NJ

  February 2014

"Super Bowl XLVIII."

Everyone - Anytown, USA


  January 2014

"Wanted to wish the NSA a Happy New Year; but of course, they already knew that."

CC - New York, NY

  December 2013

"Love the holidays! They remind me how poor I am!"

FC - Brooklyn, NY


  November 2013

"Self-appointed King of New York, aka Mayor Bloomberg, rides the subway daily. Wonder if he's ever been stopped and frisked?"

TW - New York, NY

  October 2013

"The 113th Congress has achieved the impossible. They're now officially worse than the 112th!"

CC - New York, NY


  September 2013

"Summer's over and I never got a chance to urinate in my neighbor's pool. He's a republican."

TB - Ozone Park, NY

  August 2013

"Apparently, NYC mayoral candidate Carlos Danger doesn't know the difference between defiance and arrogance."

LL - New York, NY


  July 2013

"It's technically not a flash mob if I'm the only one showing up."

  QF - New York, NY

  June 2013

"Google+ is pretty cool.  If you don't believe me, ask one of its other three members."

BB - New York, NY


  May 2013

"Everyone knew it wasn't going to work out between me and my husband.  I'm a nice person and he's an asshole."

  Anonymous - Queens, NY

  April 2013

"Bumped into Jesus on Easter and even he agreed the stock market is over inflated."

Padre P - Washington D.C.
  March 2013

"My husband takes all the f-u-n out of functioning alcoholic."

  Lizzy - New York, NY

  February 2013

"When people ask why my business failed, I tell them it wasn't the economy as much as my own stupidity."

LP - Uniondale, NY

  January 2013

"It's becoming increasingly difficult to remain a loyal Republican."

  RG - Newark, NJ

  December 2012

"John Boehner has about as much control over House Republicans as Michael Lohan has over the Lohan family."

JM - New York, NY

  November 2012

"Hurricane Sandy!"

  Everyone - East Coast, USA

  October 2012

"If Mr. Romney can't manage a campaign, how can he manage a country?"

RCB - Denver, CO

  September 2012

"After seeing Clint Eastwood perform at the RNC, we came to one conclusion: Romney seriously needs to replace all of his campaign advisers!"

  TK - Wichita, KS

  August 2012

"Keeping Michele Bachmann on the House Intelligence Committee makes about as much sense as Mitt Romney running for President."

Red State Steve - Columbia, SC

  July 2012

"I don't have a problem with the Green Lantern being gay.  My problem is with the Hulk because he acts like an ass whenever he drinks too much."

DBB - Dayton, OH

  June 2012

"My soulmate cheated on his cancer-stricken wife, mishandled funds, and now, he won't even acknowledge our child.  I'm seriously beginning to question his character."

Anonymous - Charlotte, NC

  May 2012

"My husband was right all along because as it turns out, I never had athlete's foot; my feet were just really dirty."

Sally - Tallahassee, FL

  April 2012

"I love all the new features of Apple's IOS 5.1, especially the feature that drains my battery twenty percent faster."

Mikey Mac - New York, NY

  March 2012

"Shame on you Ben & Jerry's for putting crushed fortune cookies in your 'Taste the Lin-sanity' frozen yogurt."

Charlie T - Cambridge, MA
  February 2012

"Complaint to Fisher-Price Toys because my son informed me that his Tickle Me Elmo actually tickled him!"

Big D - Harrisburg, PA
  January 2012

"None of us were shocked when grandma died from drinking and driving.  I just wish she wasn't driving my Toyota at the time."

JF - Huntington, NY
December 2011

"We've always called my father the Grinch due to his utter lack of holiday spirit.  Now that he's also green with jaundice, it's even more appropriate!"

WR - Cleveland, OH
November 2011

"My girlfriend really likes to wear lingerie but I don't have the heart to tell her she looks like Lou Costello when she wears it."

PT - Jacksonville, FL
October 2011

"Both me and my parole officer agree that my new homeroom teacher sucks!"

BW - New York, NY
September 2011

"My wife always makes fun of me because I cry during sex.  I tell her I wouldn't cry if she would just stop pinching me!"

Anonymous - Newark, NJ
August 2011

"Watching Congress is like watching an old, constipated man trying to take a shit.  Sure, there's a lot of groaning and footwork but in the end, nothing gets accomplished."

Mr. C - Boston, MA
July 2011

"In an attempt to be patriotic, my father hangs a flag from the porch every 4th of July weekend; unfortunately, a martini glass flag doesn't really count."

Eric S - Wilmington, NC
June 2011

"They say getting hit by bird poop is good luck but I've literally been hit over twenty times in the past year and my luck hasn't changed!"

AC - Rochester, NY
May 2011

"When my son-in-law said he had something special for me on Mother's Day, I never expected him to give back my daughter.  I don't want her either!"

ML - Philadelphia, PA
April 2011

"If my boss makes me smell his fingers one more time, I'm going to file an official complaint with our Human Resources Department."

JB - Fairfax, VA
March 2011

"My future father-in-law offered to pay for my wedding as long as I marry anyone but his daughter."

JJ - El Paso, TX
February 2011

"Despite the fact that my girlfriend gave me a hat that makes my head look like the tip of a penis, it still doesn't give her the right to call me "dickhead" all of the time."

Scott L - Brooklyn, NY
January 2011

"On one hand, it was nice that my kids had a chance to see Dick Clark on his New Year's special.  On the other hand, my kids will have nightmares for months to come from seeing Dick Clark on his New Year's special."

Anonymous - New York, NY
December 2010

"I'm sorry but I'm truly offended by the Cincinnati Bengals' uniforms."

Granny B - Long Island, NY
November 2010

"If senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell was really a witch, you think she would've fixed the election...or at the very least, fixed her hair."

Billy D - Dover, DE
October 2010

"The New York Mets!"

CL - New York, NY
September 2010

"We sent a complaint to our Department Manager because she reminds us of Sarah Palin.  Not because they look alike but because they have the same mental capacity."

Chrissy D - New York, NY
August 2010

"I spent roughly 50K a year on my son's college tuition only for him to return after graduation with the sole aspiration of becoming a gas station attendant."

Terry T - Springfield, MA
July 2010

"Why is it called the 'Health Department' if the staff is out front smoking?"

Mrs. HP - St. Augustine, FL
June 2010

"Complaint to the city of New York: building a mosque at or near Ground Zero is like putting a sushi stand at the Pearl Harbor Memorial!"

Joey V - Brentwood, NY
May 2010

"My father assured me that if I held my breath during a drug screen, I would pass.  Not only did I fail but I also got a concussion from passing out and cracking my head on the toilet."

Ira T - San Diego, CA
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